Lesbian Vampire Killers

May 28th, 2009 Film, Film Reviews, Xpress

What can you possibly need to know about this bastard love child of Hammer studios and Porky’s that the title doesn’t tell you? Does it sound like a modern psychological horror treatise on man’s inhumanity to man, or an excuse for tits, cheap gore and dick jokes?

For a movie where the whole joke’s in the title, director Claydon does a fairly solid job of keeping it afloat where lesser satire of the ultra-cheap horror movement would drown under the weight of its own self-consciousness. It will help if you see it in a big crowd, because while obtuse, many of the jokes are funny and the film was tailor-made for late night screenings with similar cult films fans or beer-soaked video nights.

Shy, retiring modern guy Fletch (Corden) is under the thumb of his bitchy girlfriend. His comic sidekick mate Jimmy (Horne) talks him into going on a hiking holiday to get away from it all, so they pierce the dark, eerie woods near a rural town straight out of An American Werewolf in London, complete with a pub full of grizzled, socially backward locals who know of a terrible curse that’s befallen the village centuries ago.

It seems the vampire queen Carmilla was destroyed by a brave knight and vowed with her dying breath that the daughters of Cragwich village would all become lesbians on their 18th birthdays, eventually forming her army when she returned to Earth. To slake her thirst for blood Carmilla needs sacrifices, so the villagers trick the boys into staying in a remote cabin where they’ll be her latest victims.

With a quartet of nubile foreign students in tow for a night of partying, the guys are enjoying themselves no end when Carmilla descends from the darkness. But nobody realises Fletch is descended from the brave knight who once killed her, and his destiny will call on him to become a Lesbian Vampire Killer again.

There’s been a lot of critical derision about the film, which makes you wonder what critics — even the cult-friendly ones who love trashy Hammer horror and the many jibes other movies have poked at it over the years — were expecting. There aren’t many belly laughs, but it’s technically slick and has lots of slow, loving, tracking shots of buxom young lesbians and lots of comically grotesque vampire attacks. If you’re expecting something else maybe you didn’t read the title properly.

And yes, the vicar is indeed played by the same Paul McGann who starred opposite Richard E Grant in Withnail and I.

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